The internet is a wonderful thing: it allows me to check my e-mail, research a pesky work project and just occassionally throws up a gem or two which makes me smile. Then I figured, why keep the smile to myself? Sometimes what you need, nay want, is a little bit of a giggle, a funny pause from which you can return to whatever you were doing feeling a little lighter. Without further ado: enjoy 🙂
10 Ways to Piss off a Witch (or indeed any pagan…)
1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2. Be considerate, rearrange their altar/ sacred space so it will look neat.
3. Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)
4. Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5. Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6. Witness to them about the “true religion”.
7. Untie the knots in their cord.
8. Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9. Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
Q: What’s the best thing about Pagan friends?
A: They worship the ground you walk on.
Q: Why do witches use Brooms?
A: Because nature abhors a vacuum.
Q: What do ya’ call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A: A Self-Cleaning Coven
Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
I dreamed that I was walking down the beach with the Goddess. And I looked back and saw footprints in the sand.
But sometimes there were two pairs of footprints, and sometimes there was only one. And the times when there was only one pair of footprints, those were my times of greatest trouble.
So I asked the Goddess, “Why, in my greatest need, did you abandon me?”
She replied, “I never left you. Those were the times when we both hopped on one foot.” And lo, I was really embarassed for bothering Her with such a stupid question.
You know your Coven’s getting older when…
* The ritual feast is puréed.
* Last Beltane the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
* The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
* Viagra is kept in the coven supplies
* The maiden of the coven is a grandmother
* The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators
* When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset
* It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron
* The high priest still has a vendetta going against Margaret Thatcher
* You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
* You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual
* You drop your teeth in the ritual cup
* At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
* You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can’t remember why.
* You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
* You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
* All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
* A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
* No one’s successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
* When the coven sings, “Creak and groan, creak and groan . . .”
* When you set comfy chairs around the circle.
* When you sit on the floor and can’t get up again.
* You do anointing with Voltarol.
* The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
* You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fibre.
* You don’t use salt to consecrate your altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
* You use a walker during the Wild Hunt
* You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
* You need a flashlight to find the candles.
If you’ve got a favourite pagan joke not listed here, drop us a comment, we could all do with another giggle 🙂